I was just about to slap some steaks on the grill,

When I heard my cellular phone,

I figured it was just the wife and kids,

And they were probably on their way home.

So I said "Hey honey, did you get me the beer?

And a voice said back with alarm,

"No, this is your local representative,

And I’m call’en from State Farm."

"Who’s this?" I said, "You’re callin’ for who?"

"Is Uncle Roy in another fix?"

He said, "No, I’m your insurance man,

And your wife said to come about six."

Well, we’re just sittin’ down to big fancy meal,

‘Cause my mother flew in from New York.

I said, "Come over in a couple of months,"

As I cleaned off my barbeque fork.

Then I hung up the phone with a great big grin,

As I poured some beans in a pot,

‘Cause talkin’ about that insurance stuff's,

Like investin’ in a burial plot.

Well five minutes later the phone rang again,

The wife callin’ from Burt’s Pie Shack,

When she was turnin’ in to get my dessert,

She hit a pickup truck in the back.

‘What the hell you say, is the car O.K.?"

I said as concern swept my face,

I swung around to get the barbeque sauce,

Knocking coals all over the place.

It burned down the neighbor’s privacy fence,

I can still hear her curse and shout,

And it might have caught the whole damn house on fire

If that tornado hadn’t blown it out.

The tornado blew over, and things got calm

And then it started to rain,

That’s when I learned, to my chagrin,

I’d built my house in a low flood plain.

Well, I was grabbin’ those burgers so they didn’t float off,

As my cat scratched the neighbors mutt,

Then I sat back thinkin’ what else could go wrong,

And stuck the barbeque fork in my butt.

Well, we’re movin’ back into the house next week,

And now I'm workin’ for Roy,

So I can pay off the neighbor's dadburned fence,

And buy her mutt a new dog toy.

"Things could be worse", my lawyer says,

"So I’ll give you my best advice,

"The next time that ol’ State Farm boy calls,

"Have him to dinner, and don’t think twice!"